Coming home at a respectable 10.15ish a few nights ago, I was walking along a busy footpath that leads into my street. Alongside the path is a low wooden fence, and up ahead of me in the darkness I could see a girl perching on it. I noticed that the bloke walking in front of me glanced sideways at her with an expression of bewilderment on his face, and then seemed to speed up. I could also hear something: the sound of running water.
As I got closer to the girl I suddenly realised what she was doing: sitting with her jeans around her ankles, naked bottom on the fence, pissing copiously on the footpath. It was the most indiscreet place she could have chosen; there are trees she could have squatted behind, bushes, cars. But no. Right on the path - not even facing the other way. She turned to look at me as I approached, and we made eye contact. She looked alarmed, as though I'd walked into her bathroom without knocking. That's a bit rich, I thought.
I quickly scanned my brain - what's the etiquette when you have to walk right past someone who is openly weeing on a footpath? - but failed to find that section in my mental filing cabinet. Taking a desperate guess, I attempted a polite smile and averted my eyes, hoping that that would communicate the words I see what you're doing. It's disgusting. I'm embarrassed for you, but at the same time who knows? Maybe you've got your reasons. Who am I to judge?
In retrospect I think the smile was wrong. I think it was a reaction more appropriate to seeing someone trip over or drop food on their shirt. Never mind. If this is now acceptable footpath behaviour, at least I am prepared for next time. There's always a period of adjustment when people start breaking taboos left, right and centre.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
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3 readers just couldn't let me have the last word:
I would have had the same reaction, that is scan my mind for the right thing to do only to find a blank. I think the right hattiquette would have been to walk past as quickly as possible without making eye contact!
on a not dissimilar theme, had need of a public convenience yesterday (don't worry, this is not going the way of too much information...)
was caught short close to the lake here in zurich, in a park where hundreds of semi-naked sunbathers lolled, soaking up the rays, eating their picnics, sucking ice-creams, and drinking beer, juice, water and the like in copious amounts...
despite the fact that there were but two urinals available, at 6ish in the early evening, the place was immaculate...
so, either, a cleaning elf lives under the sink, and as soon as someone, having done their business, leaves the building, the elf scurries out armed with all manner of cleaning products and leaves the sanitaryware gleaming, only to disappear in a puff of Cif (not the Guardian variety...) before the next 'client' shows his face, and more besides.
or, that men here, like bears in woods, piss in the lake, which seems very unlikely seeing as everyone is always going on about how clean it is, that you can drink it, and doing so while swimming about in it, and you don't see a lot of that going on at center parcs, do you?
therefore, the only option left, and it does stretch the imagination somewhat, is that, unlike almost every other country in which i've spent enough time to require the use of a urinal and where you venture into any male toilet wearing flip-flops at your peril, is that Swiss men not only possess the unerring aim of William Tell, but are also thoughtful, respectful and not-so-full of piss that they feel the need to spray the entire surrounding area like some kind of deranged territorial tomcat, and manage to relieve themselves, and so providing relief to those who follow, directly into, and only into, the receptacle provided.
furthermore, i've yet to walk past a street corner, doorway or alley in the wee hours here, that reeks redolently of the excesses of the night before, in stark juxtaposition to the streets of london, paris or, especially, barcelona (altho' it may be that they wash the streets down nightly with urine here, so as to dissuade those who might try to get there first...) where he who ventures onto city centre streets late at night or early in the morning is best advised to take their own air supply and carbon masks if they wish to return home with their cilia intact...
in terms of your particular dilemma hattie, in the same situation, would most likely have stopped as close to your pee'er as dry shoes would allow, adopted a bored expression and start whistling. when she, presumably bemused and even more embarrassed by your actions, asked what you were doing, would have replied 'waiting to use the toilet, are you going to be long?' which, if nothing else, may have made her think twice about her actions and also avoid any possibility of her number one escalating...
btw, josh,'hattiquette' - genius!
Yes I love 'hattiquette'! Cheers Josh.
ER - Zurich sounds like a wondrous place. Unfortunately I love my scummy London, outdoor pee-ers and all.
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