I'm in the middle of a very long post about something very personal, but I can't quite bring myself to finish it yet. I'm concerned it might be boring for everyone except me. But I want to write and I want to say hello to you all, so here I am.
I'm so tired. I worked from home today and haven't left the house - how can I be this exhausted? It's 9.20pm as I write this and I can hardly keep my eyes open. And I'm a night owl. I've just caught my reflection in the mirror on the living room wall and noticed my face is very flushed. I think it's too hot in here. Maybe that's why I'm so lethargic.
Minty (the cat) is being odd too. She hasn't eaten much all day but she seems hungry. She keeps jumping when I type, which is strange because I spend all my time here typing and you'd think she'd be used to it.
At the end of this week I'm leaving my current freelance job and going to work somewhere else for a couple of weeks. This will most likely mean more blogging. The place I'm working at the moment leaves no time or energy for that, which makes me sad. I never forget about this blog. I love getting your comments and I check every day to see who has updated their own blogs. In the periods between my posts, I feel sad and guilty about it. I'm very grateful to those people who bear with me.
While I've got you here, let me run something by you: I have a small dilemma. A photographer acquaintance wants to take some pictures of me for his portfolio. I haven't seen him or really been in contact with him for five or six years, but recently he got in touch and asked me the favour of posing for some photos (fully clothed photos. I'll just spell that out in case you were suspicious). I thought about it, and said no. He tried to persuade me, and I said no again. He's a nice guy and a good photographer, but I'm essentially quite an awkward girl and I don't really like having my picture taken. I've conquered this with the technique of just grinning like a maniac every time anyone so much as picks up a camera near me, and that serves me quite well for drunken nights out - but in the day time, with someone I don't know well, sober and not allowed to resort to my cheesy grin, I don't know what I'd do.
He emailed again this morning, after a couple of months of silence, to say that he hasn't given up on me yet. He said, "I'm really self conscious too, but there's no getting away from the fact that you are Hattie Crisell, and you are who you are, and I think the Hattie Crisell of 2009 should be caught on camera, don't you?"
Lovely as his shameless and calculated sweet-talking is, what's the answer to that? Well, I have been caught on camera in 2009, on various nights out, and on those occasions I've perfectly demonstrated my mastery of the maniacal grin and the awkward grimace. I have thus fulfilled my photographic destiny.
His argument is that I don't have to feel self-conscious because he wouldn't ask me to pose in any way or pull any particular face. He just wants me to be natural. Curiously, that makes me feel more self-conscious. I'd rather be directed than just sit there like a sack of potatoes, wondering what the hell to do with my eyebrows and my hands. On the other hand, he is remarkably persistent, and he's been very sweet about it, and it seems like it would help him out. Should I just keep saying no, or am I being a bit unadventurous - or perhaps more importantly, ungenerous? I don't know what to do. What do you think?
Alex Fuggan
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Alex Curran, WAG extraordinnaire, has done it again. [Photo: WENN.com]Where
does she GET this crappy stuff? WAGs Fifth Avenue? WAGs and Barrel?
Restoration...
2 hours ago
14 readers just couldn't let me have the last word:
It's amazing what pro photographers can do, and how much better their pictures are to the random digital camera stuff that is the meat and drink of photos these days.
I would tell him that he can take the photos, but you have veto rights over them if you don't like them. Although the chances are, in my experience, that you will like them in spite of yourself.
On the one hand, I feel like if you don’t want to do something, if it makes you uncomfortable, then you shouldn’t feel you ought to do it. And anyway I’m sure this person can find plenty of other subjects to photograph – most people are shameless exhibitionists, after all. But on the other hand, in my experience, doing things that push you out of your normal comfort zone can be really rewarding. Afterwards, you feel really proud of yourself for having done it, and in future when faced with a similar scenario you don’t feel so awkward about it. Also, in this particular case, you’ll have something really nice at the end of it – i.e. some beautiful (and hopefully non-maniacal) photographs. I suspect he wants you to pose exactly because you’re not a shameless exhibitionist, he’ll be looking to capture something more interesting in you than in someone who’s a natural poser. I think you should consider doing it.
p.s. I am slightly disappointed that you didn't set up a poll for this one. I wish to vote! To exercise my democratic rights!
All very good and interesting advice. I will think about it when my brain is functioning properly again. It turns out that my feeling weird and hot and sleepy last night wasn't a result of the radiator being up too high. I've got a sickness bug. I spent the whole night explaining this to a bin next to my bed. Repeatedly.
Get well soon. As for the photos, you sound like you're feeling a bit guilty, but you really shouldn't. Most professional photographers will take excellent images, but does that matter? If it makes you uncomfortable - if that is your gut feeling, or you have no desire for the images to be taken, then there's no harm in saying no.
Hattie,
I think you should do it. Like Penguin said, just make sure you have the right to veto them. Also, you should ask what rights you have to use them. Professional photos always come in handy (you'll need some when you win that Booker!).
Please say yes... When you are old you will probably wish that you had... and that's always a good test of everything I think.
I'd go for it Hattie - especially if you can agree some sort of veto. I hate almost all pictures of me; that's partly because I'm minging, and partly because I get this silly self conscious expression that locks itself on. The only half decent ones have been when I don't know they're being taken. This guy will be able to go on taking pictures until you're not aware of it, and suddenly you'll have some that you love, and bingo, this year's Chrissie prezzie for your parents is sorted. Do it.
I dig your blog in a totally right-on and cool way - yay! - but I do not believe that there is such a thing as a natural portrait, certainly not for a professional or even aspiring photographer.
I do not know a more true-sounding explanation of what a photographic portrait is than this one from Richard Avedon, who I just think is not only immensely eloquent and succinct and unsentimental about portraiture, but also correct:
"A photographic portrait is a picture of someone who knows he's being photographed, and what he does with this knowledge is as much a part of the photograph as what he is wearing or how he looks."
That's a web paste, obv, as I can't paste an essay from a hardback. Worth a snoop.
Roland Barthes' Camera Lucida is my favourite book about photos and portraits (this week) and interesting on what it all might mean and why it's weird and why if a photograph is not a bit weird and uncanny then it is often simply banal instead.
A photograph isn't a simple thing and those mythical people who think they steal your soul might have a point. If I had a soul or was in any danger of being asked to pose, and I didn't get redeye in every single photo, even without flash, then I'd worry about that. That's half the reason I'm not on any of that MyFace Twitterbook circuit.
I suppose the potential ramifications of a single, paper, physical portfolio are a world apart from that of an endlessly pilferable and duplicable digital one.
It's nice to have a nice picture of oneself though! (Then again, that's what artistic starlets always used to say when they did classy million dollar Herb Ritts/Lachapelle shoots for Playboy.)
Hattie, if you do it, you will be so glad to have those pictures when you are 40, 50, 60, 70, 80...
Thanks for all the advice everyone. You're all right, but I'm still not convinced. I'll definitely let you know if I do it though.
Hello you. I'm doing a bit of catching up so I've only just read this.
If it counts for anything I can see the dilemma you have, especially seeing as you haven't really heard from this person for so long.
I HATE having my photo taken. I look TERRIBLE in photos, its a McSweeney trait. I laughed when I read your tactic of dealing with them because that's exactly what I do! Grin like a nutter and no one will suspect a thing...
Problem is, I recently HAD to get photos done for work. And whereas yours, if you decide to go for it, will be in this guys portfolio, mine will very shortly be available for every single person in the world to see on the internet. A terrifying prospect for all involved.
I haven't seen them yet, but when they arrive I'll let you have a look just to get an idea for how awful it can be. x
PS Having said all that, I like the maniacal snapshots of 2009 so far, so imagine them done up all professional like!
Tim, this is simply not true. I've seen many beautiful photos of you. What about the shakey face one, for example? Or some of the absolute crackers from Claire's birthday?
I know, I know...you've never wanted me more etc. etc.
I admit it. I was being modest...
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