Housesitting for my parents is working out well. The cat has pooed in the house twice, but once it was in her own bed, which I considered quite a selfless act. All in all, we're getting on well. And the commute into central London is tiring but not unpleasant. The best thing about it is that on every train journey I'm reading a book called How Not To Write A Novel, which is entertaining me endlessly.
To clarify, I'll probably never get round to even trying to write a novel, mainly because if I did it would probably be a dispiriting disaster, but I have been kicking the idea about. Then one day on Twitter I saw this book recommended by Peter Serafinowicz (his second mention on my blog... honest, I'm not obsessed with him), who described it as "one of the funniest things I've read in ages". Which sounded quite good.
And it was an excellent recommendation. It's a guide to the common mistakes that unpublished authors make, that lead to their manuscripts being rejected. Call me basic, but this one made me laugh out loud on the train:
'Heroes should not masturbate or ogle strangers in the first three chapters. Readers understand that people have sexual needs, but if the first thing they see are those needs, they will just think your character is gross. It's not that the reading public is uptight or moralistic; they know everybody masturbates, has unworthy thoughts about the buttocks of colleagues, etc. The reader also knows everyone poos. But if the first thing a character does is poo in front of the reader, the reader will think of him as the Pooing Character forevermore.'It's not all about stuff like that, I promise. It covers plot, characters, themes, setting - all the so-easily-fuck-up-able parts of a novel. If you're interested in writing fiction, cast your eye over it.
Having said that, I suspect that a major reason why I'm enjoying it so much is that it has given me a whole new fantasy of becoming a novelist - and this fantasy can be taken in so many directions! I get on the train, open my book, and within two minutes I find myself gazing out the window while smiling to myself like a weirdo. Here are some of the scenarios running through my head: being able to answer the usually awkward question "What do you do?" with the humbly uttered reply "I'm a novelist"; sending out invitations to my book party; being interviewed by the Guardian/the Culture Show while wearing something gorgeous; talking about the whole new writing philosophy I have unwittingly created; looking at the lovely cover of my book, with my name printed on it... basically everything except for the actual work that goes into writing the book and getting it published - which surely can't be that hard, can it?
In related but less silly news, there was a good article about professional writing in the Guardian the other day. They asked real, actual, published authors whether they enjoy the process of writing. Of course, I fantasised about being interviewed for that as well.
So long for now; the cat's being awfully quiet and I think I'd better go and find the antibacterial spray just in case.
11 readers just couldn't let me have the last word:
Boom Battie, another truimphant blog full of wit and pathos and lovely welcome distraction from editing. I salute you. I too have the burning desire to put pen to paper and write a novel. Or maybe a short story. My zombie love story is crying out to be written. Alas, lazy bones and the fatigue of my godless existence. Alas.
P.S. I shall get bloggy with it over the weekend, yet I have little to report. But I am sure I can muster something up. x
Simon you're so lovely. Do please write the zombie love story - I would pay good money to read that. And I want to come to your book party.
I also wrote about writing tonight. I agree with Will Self; part of my problem with writing is how disappointingly it splurts onto the paper all jumbled and stunted. My writing is always so much better before I go and ruin it by actually writing it down somewhere.
I'm just rewriting my first three chapters and changing my bed.
I'll check out the links; thanks for those. But I think you should persevere - you would assuredly write a very interesting novel.
This is the first time in my life I have used the word 'assuredly', and I'm proud of that.
My little fantasy is that, during your many interviews after winning the Booker Prize with your first novel, you are asked where your inspiration for the plot came from, and you reply “Well, I was sitting in a pub with Claire, drinking vodka, tonic and lime....”
I hope you write your book one day. I know it would be a winner.
Incidentally, can we just clarify that the Spring drink is vodka and tonic with fresh lime. I wouldn’t want people to misunderstand.
Thanks BT - much appreciated.
Claire if I write a book there will be a character based on you. She will be a drunken lush, obviously. With great legs.
Fuck. There goes my memoir.
reminds me of the scene in the commitments where he fantasizes about being interviewed by terry wogan
I think you definitely should go for it. I really want to write something one day too - it's good to have a secret project.
I have read this book too, the sub-heading to start each chapter were my favourite. Best one was 'Endings: And Jesus lived happily ever after'.
Yeah work that goes into writing, not good, I did the http://www.nanowrimo.org/ challenge last year, was fun, but a mess of a finished product.
Hi Dan. I just looked that challenge up - looks interesting. What did you do with the finished product then? Did you tidy it up and try to get it published, or abandon it?
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